Moving abroad to work isn't always about excitement and adventure. For many, embarking on an expat journey comes with its fair share of anxiety, confusion, fear and even guilt. 玩偶姐姐s may feel guilty about leaving their families, especially their elderly parents, behind. They may feel guilty about missing milestones back home, like 10-year high school reunions and the birth of nephews/nieces. How can they learn how to cope with this guilt and compensate for their absence in a positive way? Here are some tips.
Aging and ailing parents: a leading trigger of expat guilt
For expats over the age of 25-30, the gradual aging of their parents back home might become a major source of worry and guilt. These expats may have initially moved abroad as international students between the ages of 18 and 25, at a time when their parents were middle-aged and in good health, at least without chronic conditions, and were often even still working.
As the years go by, and they continue to renew their work visas abroad, they begin to notice changes in their parents. The once energetic 55-year-olds now appear older during video calls鈥攇rayer, more lined with age. Occasional visits back home reveal new realities: regular doctor appointments for diabetes or heart problems, a full medicine cabinet, and lower energy levels. This may send expats spiralling. While they were busy forging a new life for themselves abroad, time quietly crept up on their parents in their absence. They may even ask themselves: Have I abandoned the people who raised me?
This sense of guilt can be even more intense for expats who are only children or come from collectivist cultures, that is, cultures that emphasize family loyalty, respect for elders, and interdependence over individual autonomy. Many Asian expats, for example, were raised with the belief that caring for one's parents in person during old age is a fundamental part of being a son or daughter. Their extended family might guilt-trip them for living far away from their parents or 鈥渒eeping鈥� their own toddlers 鈥渁way鈥� from their grandparents.
How can expats deal with this guilt, their conflicting responsibilities and even family pressure?
Accept that the passing of time is beyond your control
Guilt usually stems from unrealistic expectations about your own sense of agency or power. It's so easy to slip into a spiral of regret about what we could have done differently if only we had been omnipotent. However, recognizing that change, aging, illness and death are natural parts of life beyond your individual control can help alleviate your sense of guilt for living in another country, away from your family.
玩偶姐姐s and immigrants often experience what's known as 鈥�.鈥� This is the emotional process of mourning a loved one's potential death long before it occurs. This may begin the moment a serious diagnosis, such as terminal cancer, is given. For those living abroad, anticipatory grief is often compounded by the fear of not being able to return home in time. Saying goodbye through a video call to a parent on their deathbed or even attending their funeral via livestream while sitting in an airport terminal is an all-too-possible heartbreak. That's why many expats begin preparing themselves mentally and emotionally for the worst, just in case. In this way, anticipatory grief becomes a kind of emotional armor.
One study by a professor of Family Science and Human Development at Montclair State University, Olena Nesteruk, explored how expats deal with anticipatory grief. This study, whose title is 鈥� explains that geographical distance and busy schedules abroad can help expats get over guilt and grief more quickly. Distance and work effectively act as 鈥渂uffers from prolonged grief.鈥� Another helpful tip? Set some boundaries with nosy or pushy relatives who put undue blame on you for not living in the same country as your parents. As long as you and your parents have a good relationship, the opinion of other members of the extended family shouldn't matter.
Remain active in group chats and try to visit home once a year
Do your best to communicate regularly and consistently with your family back home. It's easy to get swept up in your busy new life abroad and start neglecting messaging, calling and visiting your family.
The iconic Belgian director's Chantal Akerman's film News from Home captures this feeling so well, even though it's from the 1970s (before the era of instant messages!). In this autobiographical film, Akerman shares the letters her mother wrote to her while she was working in New York. At first, she wrote back regularly. But as she got swept up in the energy of the city and her creative work, her responses slowed down. Her mother started requesting, 鈥淒earest. I got your letter soon after I had written to you. I'm glad everything is going well. But do write a little more often鈥� I miss you a lot.鈥�
If you don't want that slow emotional drift to sneak up on you, set up weekly check-ins with your family and friends from the start; it makes a big difference. For example, keeping 8-9 a.m. every Saturday reserved for a long catch-up by video call with your mother. Schedule a biweekly call with your best friend from university back home.
Stay active in any group chats you are in with them, and try to reply to their messages within 1-2 days. Don't underestimate the power of small talk! Talking about what you ate today, or even sending each other memes, TikTok videos and pet photos, can all be effective topics to maintain regular communication over the long-term, especially when there is no major news to talk about. In News from Home, Akerman fails to recognize at first that her mother's habit of writing banal news about the neighbors in her letters was just a way to maintain consistent contact with her.
No number of calls or texts can truly replace the power of being physically present with the people you love. If your work schedule and finances allow it, consider making the trip home at least once a year. It's a relatively small gesture that can go a long way in preventing long-term resentment from building on your family's side, as well as lingering guilt on your end. Yes, it might mean putting off more glamorous summer escapes (think Santorini or Bali), but in the end, but in the end, those moments with family matter more. Plus, flying the same route home regularly will make you rack up frequent flyer points and unlock discounted fares.
Alternatively, if you have the space, especially your own place without housemates, why not invite your family to visit you abroad? Some retired parents relish the chance to spend part of the year overseas on a tourist visa. Normally, on a tourist visa, they should be able to stay at your house for up to 6 months at a time. If you have kids of your own, your parents might even want to babysit their grandkids, which will also help you.
Remember how proud of your life abroad your family must be
While your decision to move abroad may stir feelings of sadness and longing in your parents, that's likely only one piece of the emotional puzzle. Don't forget, they're also immensely proud of you. Even if they don't always say it, chances are they proudly tell friends and relatives that their son or daughter has built a successful life overseas, landed a great job with a solid expat salary, or pursued studies and a career in a completely different part of the world. To them, you're not just far from home: you're a source of pride, inspiration, and admiration. Try to remember that each time you feel the guilt creeping up.
As an expat, you likely earn more than the average salary, and that often means being able to send money back home to the people who matter most. In fact, reports that expats in the UK send nearly 拢9.5 billion ($12 billion) of remittances to their home countries each year. 玩偶姐姐s in the UK who send the most remittances home are those from India, Pakistan, Nigeria, France, Germany, and China. Indeed, when they send money home, they're not just supporting their families, they're fueling entire communities and economies.
Your remittances might be covering your parents' medical bills, providing them with the comfortable retirement they've long dreamed of, or even funding a younger sibling's education. So, each time you start feeling guilty, remember that your decision to work abroad is likely to tangibly help your family financially back home. You're not just building a life abroad; you're lifting others up along the way.
Consider applying for a family reunification visa
If the emotional toll of being separated from your aging parents becomes too overwhelming, check if your host country offers a family reunification visa specifically for elderly parents. Countries like Canada, Spain, Portugal, and the Czech Republic have provisions that allow expat residents to bring over parents who are over a certain age (usually 65), provided specific conditions are met.
These requirements often involve proving that the parents are financially dependent on their expat child, that there is no other family support available in their home country, and that the expat child has the financial means to support an additional dependent. Health insurance for the elderly parent is often also required.
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